Loneliness

I have been having a hard time lately. My sense of loss has not diminished and my loneliness is monumental.

In the days and weeks ahead I have a lot of decisions to make regarding my health and my future. I DO NOT feel comfortable nor confident making them alone. It seems un-natural.

We talked about everything. Most importantly we talked about “what if” situations.

Several years ago we discussed where we should be buried. Wiley did not believe in cremation, and I didn’t care. Neither one of us wanted to be buried in Atlanta, as we both considered Savannah home. We decided that Bonaventure Cemetery would be a good place for our family plot. On the hottest day of that summer we were shown some of the few remaining plots.

The one we picked was perfect (how morbid). It was next to the little dirt path one could imagine accommodating horses and buggies…so either one of us wouldn’t have to walk but a few steps to the site. Also it was under a beautiful old live oak festooned with Spanish moss (shade is important in the Savannah heat). Best of all, it faced the Intracoastal Waterway near the Thunderbolt bridge.

We felt rather odd buying it, but it was comforting picking our final resting place together rather than having to do it once one of us was gone. We were a team. We made good decisions together.

About a year before Wiley passed, we decided that our wills needed updating. Together we went to an estate planning lawyer/friend and felt confident that we had everything in place including health directives, powers of attorney etc., etc., etc….

Wiley…where are you? Are you here? Sometimes I see you (and when I do you look like you did the day we married and you can walk). Sometimes I hear you. The other morning I was awakened by your voice calling my name. Sometimes in the middle of the night I am stunned by the smell of cigar smoke…you knew how much I despised it!

We did not prepare for this loneliness…did we…where are you?